iraqistan

Having been on leave about three weeks now, I have adjusted well without the military butting its head in periodically to remind me that it is there.

Well, not often anyway. Several things have nevertheless come to light as I try to relax and get my brain back in working order before I go back to Germany to get dumb again with Soldiers that toss things or themselves out windows and occasional questions about if Hugo Chavez is Russian. I can’t make things like that up, by the way, and can only report what happens in my sad, sad life.

Anyway, despite my best efforts to regain some sanity, yesterday I encountered a puzzle. Because I have been gone awhile and there was a significant debate on who would pay the bill, it turned out that for awhile in fact no one paid that bill. At least, not appropriately. My unit picked up the tab and helped me gain access to the system so I could file for partial payments, which they then paid at times designated I assume by the phase of the moon, whether Mars was in Aquarius, and who won the Rutgers football game last weekend.

Yesterday I got a nasty-gram from the government credit card company. It had been rerouted several times, having been dated approximately five to six weeks prior to my date of receipt. I decided, since I am in the process of purchasing a home, that it would be prudent to give them a call.

Despite my unit having given them several thousand dollars recently, it became apparent that the bank was just as absurd as the automated system cutting those checks. The bank, without practical information to the contrary and clearly without any form of common sense, happily applied the money to current dues owed and not to what they deemed my “overdue” account, which is probably monies owed from back in May when this whole shebang started. Apparently because it took the military a bit to start paying because I couldn’t access the system, I was delinquent on some money and instead of the logical (I think, anyway) process of paying off the oldest things first, the money was attributed to newer charges such as the Great Walter Reed Caper of 2008. So while those are being paid, I still am having my card shut off and getting nasty pieces of paper tracking me around the world because the money isn’t being routed right and my crystal ball, being in the shop, didn’t tell me that was the case for me to fix it prior.

The answer? Pay it myself, since I don’t have access to the system while on leave, and hope to get paid someday later. My answer to that? Well, it’s not terribly polite.

So it appears that even though I sit watching HGTV sipping an iced tea and all looks well, there are still ways for the stars (namely the Great Bank Constellation and the Army Nebula) to align in ways that confuse. There is simply no escape from the absurdities. Strangely, that is comforting, as I grow more and more unsure that I would know what to do with myself should life become suddenly “practical.”