iraqistan

3/26/2005

Army Job

Filed under: — lana @ 3:52 am

I have officially discovered the best job in the United States Army: the S-3 shop of any battalion-sized element. I say this because I am throroughly convinced that they can do absolutely nothing for days at a time, even weeks, in a combat zone or back in garrison, and it is all okay because it is what everyone expects. Kind of like middle management…

The S-3 shop, for non-Army types, is the fun place that is supposed to do things like logistics. Not supply, now, that’s the S-4. Or personnel action, that’s the S-1. The Army has to spread out anything that would logically go together or things might actually get done and THEN where would we be? Probably Syria by now, now that I think about it. But I digress…

Let’s take a few examples from recent history. First, we have my initial transport, which we all recall. I was stuck in the north because my bags couldn’t seem to find a way onto a plane, at least by themselves. Because bags, in case no one else was aware, have no legs. Nor do they have the common sense to say, “Hey. I think we are supposed to get on that plane heading up north…” Crazy bags. So the S-3 should be able to help, because I think that might fall under their line of work. Logistics, getting bags north… sounds good.

But when the officers would call down saying, “So… about those bags…” they would say things like “Hmmm… they didn’t get on the flight today?” No one seems to have informed them that the bags, indeed, are not sentient. Nor are some of the Air Force folks working down there, I thnk… and the ones that are really could care less about my bags anyway.

So then the officers say, “Well why don’t you go down there and check on them, make sure they are still there, and see when they are coming up here?” “Well… I did call… and… um… no change…” “So go down there.” “Um… I called… I think yesterday…” Maybe they are all the vampires in the battalion, so the sunlight would burn them… It’s possible. I’m going to leave some garlic on their desk next time I am at headquarters and see what happens, like they come in and have to turn around and leave again. Not like anyone would notice if they stopped coming to work…

Then there is this other battalion’s S-3, the battalion to which I am attached for at least another few hours. They have been working on arranging my flight out of here, apparently, for three days. Manifesting me on a helicopter. So we get here and stop in to their office to ask about it. And they say, “Still working on it.” Then, a few hours later, “Just fly Space Available tomorrow. I’m sure that will work. We couldn’t get a flight.” So I head over there and ask the Air Force guy at the desk. He hands me a phone number. I call it. In five minutes I am manifested for a flight later in the day. No hassle. No worries. No three days of sitting around practicing my telepathic skills hoping that the Air Force got the message I sent along tenuous brain waves that they should put my name on their manifest.

Best job in the Army. And I could put “Telepathy” under the skills portion of my resume…

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